So, I have been trying to keep a positive face all of these months - at least on the blog. Tom got pissed at me for being upset about him leaving and said, "Clare, you are the strongest person I know!" A**hole. WRONG! I absolutely am not, and for the first time I am going to be honest and forget all the Pollyanna crap.
Although it is obvious that Tom is schmuck and a jackass as evidenced by his actions (though I still hold the benefit of the doubt theory that he was very personally troubled - midlife crisis, etc), I depended on him quite a bit just for friendship alone - and I am becoming ashamed to say it, but I miss him. With him gone I have turned to my family but almost everyone is pretty filled to the brim with my petty problems. The house situation will work itself out one way or another by May and until then, I am giving in. I quit. I am not strong and I am not going to pretend I am.
My new plan has been working out well - it's all about setting goals. I try to sleep fpr 14 hours a day so that my thinking time is limited. I have been using my leftover vicodin to help me in this and when that runs out I figure Excedrin PM should do the trick. So far, I like it. In the evenings, when things are at their bleakest I have a puzzle at the ready because it doesn't leave me a lot of room to do anything but concentrate on it. My hope is that I get so sick of myself that I shake this off and move on. If not, it ain't such a bad way to live for the moment.
I also trade in the evenings and oddly enough that has been going great. Once a month I conduct a meeting in Fullerton for my trading software user group so that is my social life. The one bright spot I look forward to is going to Tommy's in March in anticipation of the new baby. I love visitng them. They raise my spirits.
Through it all, although I am hitting the diet soda pretty hard, I am still watching my eating. The great thing about being up for only 10 hours is that you only have to eat once. I still take my antidepressants knowing that although this seems bad, it gets much worse if I stop.
Sorry if I am not 'moving ahead' on everyone else's timetable, but this is working for me. I realize what a loser I am to still be so pathetic after all this time and after being treated so shabbily by the man I gave my heart and soul to, but there you are. My timetable is what it is and I assume at one point it will run its course.
The problem is that when I close my eyes I do not see anything anymore. There is no taste, no smell, no color, no desire. Just black. I had some for a bit there, but it faded fast. So, until I can dream again while I am awake, I am going to check out and hope that some healing occurs.
This is not a cry for help - just a status update. Think of it as a cocoon I have crawled into and I am not coming out until I have grown some wings. Or maybe going into the ice palace and coming out superwoman?
1 comment:
You know Clare the fact that you can discuss your sadness, and reach out to your family and friends is actually proof that you are resilient and strong, not the reverse! I've never known anyone who could put into words so well, their feelings of sorrow and despair and make the pain that you are feeling become tangible. If you were weak, useless and unable to fend for yourself, you would not have been so successful in the last year and a half, moving forward step by little step, all the while gathering strength from your family and friends! I am proud of you, and confident that you will find new ways every day and each week, to cope with your situation. And who knows, this Spring may usher in the new beginning you have been waiting for. Keep your heart open and enjoy the new baby, your great family, and the new season! I only wish I could be there to enjoy these things with you!
Post a Comment