Loose Change

Maudlin Alert! Stop now and save yourself.

This is more the diary portion but it has been eating at me and I am hoping it will close the book - at least on this particular chapter.

I realize I have been waiting for Tom to return. He was in such an altered state when he left. He couldn't really mean it could he? He could not possibly have lived the same marriage I did and be able to walk away forever? He would have to come to his senses and realize what he gave up and that it was good and that six people are standing here with their mouths open in shock absolutely sure that the man they love cannot possibly really mean to be gone forever. Tom? My Tom? No way. Right? I am his wife. This is his family. The one we created and nurtured together. He can't really want to throw me/us out can he? He said he loved me. I remember. Vividly. I believed him and I returned the sentiment completely. He has always been a great guy who loved his wife and family. He will come back. Won't he?

But time has passed and there is no sign that anything is different. In the meantime I have become like loose change. Sitting in a bowl with no real value or use. Just there.

Nothing is more boring than someone else's heartbreak I realize. This is just an egocentric exercise in working out the kinks. I also realize that the control is mine. I am just waiting on the will. It does seem at times like everything I have ever touched, except my children (and that may well be more of a reflection of them than me!), has been a monumental failure. And the fact that I can even look ahead with hope at all is a testament to the deeply ingrained survival imperative in our DNA. The worst of this MUST be over. It has to be.

And with it all I am deeply thankful for friends, for family and for life and am CERTAIN things will get better somehow, someway. They will, right? It's complicated, isn't it?



On a now amusing, then depressing, note I actually called the suicide hotline the other night. Not suicidal but desperate for input. When the girl who answered sounded like she was about 10 I hung up. I decided I MUST know more than she does and that I will and I can get through this. And without input from a ten year old (other than myself). I hate this. I absolutely hate this dead weight on my heart. As much as I am sure that one day it will lift. I can't wait.