I Am Free

It has been a long haul. A year and a half ago my husband left me for his first cousin. The pain of that has been excruciating on so many levels, but still feeling it with such intensity after 17 months even struck me as way too much. The depression and sadness were never ending and as deep as the oceans.

Me and deep ocean

After much shopping around and searching, and with the very distinct possibility of making all of my friends and relatives simply drop me because it was too frustrating and hurtful to watch me not get anywhere, I finally found someone who could help. He is a therapist, in Beverly Hills of all places, and he was really super. (Reasonably priced and much more effective than anyone else I have tried) In the one session I was able to go from thinking that death represented the only bit of peace I could hope for to reclaiming my life and my direction and my center. It is truly a huge and much needed step.

I have not gone more than 48 hours since October 2008 feeling good. I now know that I am back. No relapse, no fall back into the abyss. I can now see the future and it is full of interesting choices and paths. I cannot tell you what a relief it is. A week ago I would not have thought it possible - especially so fast. It is like taking a shower and washing away 17 months worth of grime.

Thanks to everyone who wished me well - even those who could no longer stand watching it anymore. Special thanks to Meg who recognized how deep I was in and threw me a line (sorry Beth - a little earlier than you).

One interesting thing is that since this happened I have had very vivid and lively dreams every night, and even if I nap. It is like there was a dam in my subconscious holding me back from sorting out my thoughts and now it has broken and there is a year and a half's worth of junk to sort through to straighten out the mess in there. Interesting.

To the future.

The future