This month marks 6 years since Tom walked out the door. The only person I even knew personally who had gotten a divorce - and under similar circumstances - was my aunt Mary Lou. Mary Lou said it will take one year for every five you were married to feel 100% again. Ha! Maybe for the weak like you Mary Lou, I thought, but for me one year tops. The joke was on me. She was so right as it turned out.
So the month has come and I do finally feel like most of the pigment that was Tom has been picked out of my soul and the color is just me again. I am not carrying the overloaded backpack of sadness anymore. I have strength and perspective I am sure I sorely needed anyway but at a pretty dear price. And I liked Tom. I loved Tom. I am sorry he made this choice. But he did.
My journey was an easy one compared to many but it was mine and it was a challenge. My dad said, "Well you have your kids" and all I could think of was "that makes it ok?" and that the kids are not a consolation prize. I wanted my husband. That said, I have been so very grateful for my kids and my family and very dear friends. Yikes! How impossible would this have been without them!? And without all of the people I have met along the way who I would not have met otherwise. Life is rich and some days I think I am the luckiest person around.
Of all of the things I have struggled with, being grateful has not been one of them. Every day I am floored by all I do have. And I have been so lucky all around. Yes, I want more but I am eternally grateful for what I have now. And that stands even if I regret what I do not have. Life; so multifaceted. I have yet to get completely on my feet but that is getting closer.
I am not the exactly same person Tom left. I am calmer, more accepting, more willing to give love to those close to me and I cry at the least little emotion.That one I would gladly dump. In time. And I have regained my sense of humor and fun. Those I missed.I guess I am the sadder but wiser girl Robert Preston was looking for. Where is he when you need him? Oh yeah. He's gay. Too bad.
So it is done. Year six. The year I am myself again. What a flipping relief to everyone!
3 comments:
Congratulations Clare! It is a relief-in that I can see and hear your humor is back, and that you have grown or outgrown the Tom dependency and that you are a beautiful wonderful capable person who now sees what she has to live for, and always did have! 6 years huh? Well whatever it takes, know how much you are loved and how far you have come! I love you!
Wow Trish! Thank you. I love you too!
Sounds very good, Clare. Looking forward to seeing you in person in two weeks! Beth
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