Ch-ch-ch-changes...

Today I say, with the utmost regret and deepest sorrow, that I am officially divorced. Meps.I thought I had a good marriage, I am certain it was a marriage built on love, and this is not my choice but it had to be done. I could not sit in limbo anymore. I think that the fact that this could happen to two people who honestly loved each other and were so family oriented as Tom and I is a damn tragedy.

I first met Tom in late 1975 and it seems like barely a week ago. I loved Tom when we were married and as much as people might not understand it, I love him now. I do not see the day he walked out, I see the totality of thirty one years together. Not that I am not pissed and hurt, I am.

I truly hope that this divorce will help my mental and emotional state, but I am not holding my breath. LOL. It has been an absolute bitch trying to achieve anything these last three years through the black cloud of grief and that has been the point of this blog; to be able to look at what has been positive and try to springboard from that. And it has been useful. It is time to put this behind me. So why does that make me cry still? Dang it! I do try to balance how I really and truly feel with a more lighthearted vibe. Seriously. I do. This is me being lighthearted.

Among the changes all of this brings is my name. I am officially no longer Clare Cheney Zimmermann, but Clare Cheney (pronounced Chee'-knee; not Chay'-knee - at least I never had to tell people how to pronounce Zimmermann). I gain little as I will still have to spell my name for everyone not to mention informing all of my various creditors, banks, etc, but hey. It is my nod to finding me. I am having name change regret, but it is a done deal. There is a little box on the divorce papers that you check if you want this and I believe they send a notice to the social security administration. Otherwise, if I wanted to change it later, I would have to pay. The things you learn...

I am still waiting on the good stuff; the independence, the feeling of accomplishment and autonomy or whatever the hell it is you are supposed to get from being flung to the wolves and surviving. I am a little afraid that I am heading for a breakdown but I have been here before and I have always managed to pull my head up before I crash. I have great hopes that being actually divorced will help. If it doesn't then I could have saved $250 and I do not want a divorce anyway!

So onward and upward. Divorce truly stinks and I will never get any of it.

Loss is not that first stab, Nor the numbness that follows. Loss is not the nights after, Nor tears shed heavily into pillows. Loss is coming home full of news, Only to find an empty house. Forgetful, to set the table for two, Turn to speak to vacant air. Loss is to laugh alone. by Paul Brookes ... My hands are slack; my blood is cold; I marvel that my heart still beats. I have no will to weep or sing, No least desire to pray or curse; The loss of love is a terrible thing; They lie who say that death is worse. by Countee Cullen But of all these friends and lovers... In my life I love you more John Lennon Ah, well.... Divorce highlight: My beloved calling me and asking me for help deciding if he should fill out the divorce papers or just go with the default option...(I was the one who filed) Seriously? You cannot manage to live with me anymore but it is still OK if I am your secretary? And as God is my witness, this is the LAST you will hear of this crazed struggle to be free. Or not. Time will tell. Although if Tom marries again all bets are off. That will be the final nail in my coffin. And, yeah, I realize I sound pathetic but as I said I am still waiting for that wonderful strength I am supposed to acquire by facing the slings and arrows of life. I have come to the conclusion that it never stops hurting, but it does fade into the background. I can live with that. Might as well, it's all I have! LOL! I sometimes try to picture what Tom's blog (if he had one) would be like in his portrayal of me and I imagine it would portray a whining washed up woman who continues to beg for his attention and seems unable to accept that he is forever done with her. And he would not be far off. I am pretty sure the chorus for today in the land of Lincoln is 'ding dong the witch (or sounds like witch) is dead'. Praying for acceptance....